The Wandering Soul

Yesterday, I started to reread Norwegian Wood and came across the passage where Midori talked about her rich private all girls high school. I remember the first time I read this passage, I instantly connected to the truths it held about Midori’s experience. Basically, she absolutely hated the high school and did not connect at all with anyone, yet she stuck it through with and awards and everything til the end. Sound familiar? Within this passage, it definitely reminds me of how I feel about this university. Despite, my incredible hatred for this university, I really did not want it to beat me til the end. This year has been relatively productive, got a job, internship, met a friend. I really think I reached the climax of such revelation last year after I read this book. Life goes on, and I needed it to. 

This morning while walking to class, I started to think of my mom. Compared to her, I feel like such a weak woman. I mean, she left everything and everybody in the Philippines around 22 to set out into a foreign country. What a strong and independent women. Thinking about this, I feel incredibly weak for never going to Berkeley. Being 7 hours away is nothing compared to an ocean. I feel like being so close to home from San Diego, really stunted my growth as a person…well at least for a couple years. Looking back, I hated how I dealt with my hatred for this school my first year of college; when things got worst, and when I got sick of this school, I would escape by going home each weekend. I know for a fact that had I gone up north, I would have to deal with things on my own. Lately, this has been worrying me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive in this world….

According to Loi, I am passionfruit. Boring on the outside and exotic and amazing in the inside. 

I got to see Loi and Joey today; those two are the two most important in my life. Friends come and go, but these two, I will do whatever it takes to still remain friends with them. Without those two, I don’t know where I would be right now. We had an interesting conversation today about past relationships, and how after a breakup, even though you feel like crap, you slowly become a better person knowing what went wrong. Likewise, you start to figure out what to look for in a person and a relationship, so you don’t have to experience the same hell again. Oh how I’ve missed these two, they definitely keep me in check with the world and reality the majority of the times. 

For now, I shall give him a chance and see how it goes. I have yet to experience that moment where it just clicks. I’m waiting for him to say something so profound, filled with insight that it just blows my mind away and makes me drawn to him. Iono….I’m kinda indifferent right now…too many things going on for me to deal with. Pretty much, on the outside everybody thinks we’re together, but in reality we aren’t because I don’t think so.